I have had the best two weeks.  Full of wonder and fun and frivolity.  Just broke up with Jose permanently a few minutes ago and still don't feel too down.  I still feel like I have issues in relationships though.  I don't know how to navigate the channel.  I thought I used to and maybe I did but it has since recently changed.  I don't say the right things.  I don't make the right decisions.  I don't explain myself as thoroughly as I should.  It is whatever though!  I need someone to love me like I love them but who are also relevant and near to me.  I need to start out with intimacy without sex and then go from there.  Basics...the basics.  But until I find another Mr. Right, I am off to WeHo to have some fun!!!!!  Yeah!!!!  I am going to dance my ass off in West Hollywood!  Saturday night should be fun...

I am headed to Catalina in the am though.  It should be a good trip.  We are taking a special high speed boat called the Cat.  I upgraded to the Commodore Lounge so it should be good for the hour long trip over there.  I have done so much this week with my friend Claire from Wisconsin.  Watching Motocross, visiting the Getty, walking through The Grove and the Farmer's Market in LA, stepping all over the stars on the walk of fame, and just plain being a tourist.  It has been too much fun!  I will update in a few days.  Until later!

Joe C. 

I am applying for Nurse Practitioner School in California.  I am excited.  I want my Master's degree and I enjoy my profession.  Time to step it up a little bit.  Jose, my ex, but not quite cause we were just "talking", encouraged me to apply.  I am excited about this but melancholy about other parts of my life.

Tears...they fuel me.  They encourage me to be something more...to be stronger.  Yet, I only cry when I am at my weakest...When I am dealing with the parts of my character that are weakest.

I just got out of a perfect relationship.  I broke it up.  I ended it...Why?

I remember we started the relationship saying it was too perfect.  Both considered nurturers we took care of each other from the start.  We were considerate of each other and our separate needs. 

So much in common, hearts beating as one...

Blood flowing through, an essence unakin...That is what brought us together.  A need for something dissimilar bottled in the familiar.  I needed someone patient, kind...He needed someone warm, genuine...we both needed someone understanding. 

Beautiful...He was my man.  Light brown eyes that you could swim in right before you dived in for a kiss.  The same eyes were piercing, hypnotizing when we made love.  Was it making love though?  It sure felt like it...but is it making love when it's only been a week?  That seems more like fuckin' to me!  We were going to make it work...

His voice was deep though...to hear him speak was an agitation to my sensuality.  Small spanish phrases chastised my ears and revved me to action.  I also dropped my guard everytime he spoke.  That's why I broke up with him via text...

Why wasn't it working?  I am not whole.  I am not complete.  I used that as my excuse. 

WTF?  Will I ever be?  NO!!!!  Really, what do I want? 

I want to prance around a club and have fun without having to think of someone else.  I want to be considered an object of sexual interest.  I want to be free to explore.  Yet, I have spent 13 years, since the start of puberty, free to do just that and I never really did and now I want freedom???!!!!

He wanted to talk to me.  From the beginning he just wanted to talk.  We talked for a month.  We were talking.  Not dating, not seeing each other, talking.  We were sleeping together and discussing futures and conversing for hours in each others arms but we were - still - just - talking...

NO WE WEREN'T TALKING!!!  We were something more...At least that is what I thought.  The second week together he slipped up and said "I love you" but it was obvious that he didn't mean it.  After sex everyone loves everyone.  But a month later when I said it and felt it...and I hadn't even fell in love yet, of which I made abundantly clear, he couldn't reciprocate.

Hey, I didn't expect reciprocation...it would have been nice but I didn't expect it...I didn't like the response though..."This isn't love.  You don't know what you are feeling..."

Damn!  There is more to this including that we were just still "talking" and only "talking" and any mention of defining our relationship was met with a harsh resistance.  We are not dating but you shouldn't "talk" to anyone else, he told me. 

There is so much more to this relationship.  For something the short period of two months, it became apparent that it meant way too much to me.  Something that new, that premature shouldn't bring tears to my eyes.  No man should be able to make me cry at the drop of a hat, especially when he is partially in the wrong and won't admit it...even after I have admitted my fault and apologized and made no mention of his need to apologize to me.

I guess we can try it again later this year if we both so desire.  For now I am going to let him do what he had  planned for this year, which was work on self improvement.  I will follow his lead and do much of the same.  Maybe he will be mine again later this year.  For now, I want to be free...

---Jose, even though you may never read this, I think I am going to miss you but I don't yet and that is the issue...One of the main reasons I am not returning to us.---

Wow, he's president now.  I didn't think I would but I cried.  I cried after listening to ABC of all news stations.  Some woman shared how she was thinking back on how Black people were on stages less than 200 years ago called auction blocks and now a Black man is on stage as President of these United States.  Had me bawlin'!  I have always been happy to be called an American and proud of the liberties I have but today I am even more proud of the step we have taken as a country.  It says that we have become one as a people.  Yeah there is still racism but we are so much more than that as a people.  We are more than our bigotry...I would hope, shown evident after this election. 

I had so much fun last night after the results.  We had a house party at a friend's house after which half of us went to the beach and the other half went to an abandoned insane asylum.  My second trip to one of these places!  Love it!  I love eerie/creepy buildings that are abandoned.  It was a good time!  I haven't had that much fun being scared since before Halloween when I went to the haunted mazes at the The Queen Mary. 

I even spent the night there and got to talk to my friend's boyfriend from work.  I realize that he is a beautiful person.  Maybe too beautiful for me.  Ya know, when you meet someone beautiful inside and that makes them even more hot on the outside.  That was him.  I need to not be interested though because I am not breaking up a happy home.  He is too nice though and I need to keep my distance.  I like rescuing people sometimes and I think he wants to be rescued.  I am keeping my distance though.

Later!